I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
