Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.