I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit