he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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