I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
