I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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