so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
