dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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