THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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