I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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