If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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