i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
