You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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