Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
