Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
