all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
