How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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