yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
