I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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