My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
