trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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