I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
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I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
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what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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