How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
