oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
