How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
