spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
