I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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