It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
