she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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