I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
