there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The power of my boobs compel you
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
