I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
