i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Pants are for mortals
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
