i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
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I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
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and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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