I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
