I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
