Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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