The best revenge is premature balding
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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