I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
