her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
