Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
