Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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