life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
