My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
