he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
