i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
