i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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