I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
