My room smells like vodka and shame
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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