Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
