She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
