Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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