I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
