She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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