Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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