You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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