I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We left the knife in your bed.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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