there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
