Kareoke will never be a sober sport
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
this boner is exhausting
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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