Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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